Passive Aggressive Work Emails With My Toddler About Dinner

One of our favorite newsletters — along with Long Live, À La Carte, Hung Up, and of course, Big Salad 😉 — is Bess Kalb’s Grudge Report. She writes about fashion, movies, Judaism, politics, and parenting her two little kids, and her issues always make me laugh and think.

On that note, here are some pass-agg work emails Bess and her toddler exchanged about dinner…

Hi Goof!
Just circling back on whether we’re set for the 6 p.m. with pesto noodles.
Thanks!
Mommy

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Ahh sorry – just seeing this. Since it’s so close to the mtg should probably go ahead and reset.
Apologies. Have a great rest of your night.
Goof

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Actually, all good if you’re still avail!
Pesto is ready and waiting for you whenever. Want me to carry you to the chair or are you good to walk?
M

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Hey, Mommy,
In all transparency, is there kale in the pesto?
Let me know.
G

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Hi G!
Can definitely check for you, but in the meantime, for the sake of expediency are you good to get started?
M

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I’ll stand by while you confirm.

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Hey, Goof,
Ok. Good news and bad news: The good news is I’m hearing the pesto is the best yet. People are very excited about it (including Dad, not to name drop) and I’m so glad the stars aligned and we could get you and noodles in a room together. On the kale front, it’s looking like a yes. Regardless, from a big picture standpoint re: growth/digestion/etc., we all think it’s definitely the right move strategically.
We’ll go ahead and confirm you for eating the pesto for 6:15 p.m. since you’ve got a hard out at 6:30 p.m. for bath.

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Hey!
Totally hear you. I think sadly after dealing with some personal stuff on my end it’s just not going to work out and I hate to do this but possibly won’t make the 6:30 p.m. either. Send my apologies to bath!
Best,
Goof

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Hi Goof,
So sorry to hear about the personal conflict! I hope all is okay! We’ll be thinking of you. I’m hearing that the meeting is sadly not flexible. And unfortunately neither is bath because it’s going to be booked at 6:45 p.m. for (again – not usually this name droppy!) the baby.
One development: I got word that we can do one episode of Bluey on the iPad during the 6:15 p.m. if that changes things, but (sorry – they were really set on this point) you have to be eating to watch it.
Thanks,
Mom

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Oh – That does change things. Two episodes poss?
G

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Great!! Sadly it’s only one because of the bath double-booking later.
Apologies!
Mommy

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K
-Goof

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Amazing! Have a great rest of your night!!

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Same to you.
I’ll see you at 3 a.m.

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See you then!!!!

Bess Kalb is an Emmy-nominated comedy writer and author of the best-selling children’s book Buffalo Fluffalo. She has also written about her son’s preschool commencement speech, common toddler ailments, and things she forgot to pack for her child’s first day of school, in her Substack newsletter, The Grudge Report.

P.S. Joanna’s kids’ funny notes and how to get kids to eat vegetables.

(Photo by Giorgio Magini/Stocksy.)